Why I am still single?

All pictures from Alligator Sunglasses.


Get dressed in your boudoir.

A boudoir? I live in New York City. My father isn't the Sultan. I have a bedroom, a living space, a kitchen and a bathroom. A boudoir? Note to self: convert the kitchen into a boudoir.

Wear a bra.

Hmmm. I definitely do need to wear the bra to contain my Cs. I've been known to venture out without one because I find the silhouette of a naked body very sexy... especially under a simple cotton dress.

Don't be familiar.

Guilty.

Don't pass out.

I'm sorry. You know who you are :-)

Don't sit awkwardly.


This is how I sit... kinda awkward, isn't it?



Happy New Year everyone!

Wish List

An E-Vite showed up in my inbox early this morning.

"Victoria. You are cordially invited to send me your wish list. Let's wrap Christmas, Birthday and Valentine's Day into one. Add St. Patrick's day in there too while we are at it."

Hmmmm. Tough assignment.

Being an overly practical person, my favorite gifts are the things or experiences that I'd never get for myself.

So my top picks for the wish list this year are:

1. Shake Weight. (Warning - annoying informercial pitch and music)

2. Snuggie

3. Ice cream maker - hence the Shake Weight to counterbalance

4. Anything that's on the Oprah's favorite things list (especially the 2011 Volkswagen Beetle. Just Kidding.)

5. Cooking lessons - expect more sampling than cooking

6. Ski lessons - expect a lot of screaming and whinning

7. A pair of those (supposed) ass-toning shoes

8. One trillion dollars

9. A ticket to Oprah Show!

10. A nice thoughtful note from you. Really.

Gift Guide: For your gentlemen friends

Warm up his iPad with this cool leather jacket



Plan an intimate happy hour for two (or three) using this elegant bar set



For those who travel a lot, a little peek-a-boo never hurts anybody



Not that you'll ever need the reasons, but I just love the office supplies



How about some cool posters?



If all fails, a quiet moment with yours truly?

"Is it a date?"

The phone buzzes.
It's Gwen.

"You got a minute? I need your advice."

"Ok. But let me put you on speaker. I'm getting ready to go out."

"Ooo, is it a date?"

"Not really. Just meeting a friend for dinner."

"A male friend?"

"Yup. [insert name here]. You've met him, right?"

"So, it's not a date?"

"He's a buddy."

"Where are you guys having dinner?"

"[insert a rather expensive - could be romantic - restuarant here]"

"Are you sure it's not a date?"

"There won't be any kissing after dinner."

"You don't need a kiss to be on a date."

"This has no chance of turning into any sort of relationship."

"Well, is he paying?"

"I hope he is."

"Then, it's a date."

"Whatever. What do you want my advice on?"

Conversation with an old friend

Thank you for coming to visit.
My pleasure. I missed you.
Am I taking you away from your Thanksgiving turkey?
My family isn’t big on turkey.
Have you tried turkey sashimi?
Eww. Gross.
Remember the time we went to that sashimi place in Malibu and we sat next to [insert famous person’s name here]?
Yeah?
Well. Guess who I spent half the summer smooching his wife?
She looks like she would be a good kisser.
We met her, remember?
Yes, the Toronto Film Festival gala or was it the Tribeca?
No. It was the Sundance.
I’m sure it was not the Sundance.
How are you so sure?
I’ve never been to Utah.
You haven’t?
Nope.
Not even to ski?
I value my life.
It’s beautiful there.
What’s the movie about?
You haven’t seen my movie?
I thought you aren’t going to do it anymore.
Well, you did wonder in your blog why I haven’t made a decent movie lately.
I wrote that long time ago, before I knew you threw in the towel.
Couldn’t you have given me a better name?
You don’t like being called Mr. Hollywood?
I suppose I’m back for now.
What made you come back?
I ran out of money.
That’s good reason.
I figure this gig would tie me over for a couple of years.
Where will you go hide?
My farm.
Do you have any chickens in your farm?
No. But I should get some.
I’m getting hungry.
I should get you some turkey.
Remember that place around here where we had the awesome turkey burger?
Let’s go.